Free Will
by xxtisheryxx
Summary: J/A. What I would have liked to happen with T&E. This is sorta before T&E, then AU from there. If you haven't seen the epy...Don't read dude cause...You will spoiled. :D enjoy.


**First of all, I do not own JoA, I like like to play and have fun with it. Second, please be kind, I wrote this in an hour and a half on no sleep and very little coffee, so uh...Yeah just...I tried to be as true to Adam as I could. Thanks for giving it a chance.**

**AN:**  
_Ok, so hi there! Yeah, I'm a huge JoA fan. However there was something I just couldn't STAND about that show, and that was what happened with J/A. I know I'm not alone on this, and as I'm sure a lot of fans do I rewrote T&E in how I felt it should have happened.__I understand how teenage boys can be, and however perfect Adam was everyone slips up, I could buy that, but cheating? Going through with it? I can't see that. I just can not see that. So...This isn't so much like T&E, I guess this is more so a peek at what happened before it, and AU afterwards. You don't have to like it, and I'm sure most will hate it, but I tried to stay as true to Adam as I could. Please be nice...Please...I tried!!__If I get ok feedback, I'm thinking of doing three more fic's and wrapping up things the way I would have liked the show to end. I won't go into a season three though...As much as I'd like to lol...And who am I kidding, I'll still write the three even if I get bad feedback, I just need to write this and get it outta my head before it explodes. Just be warned, I started writing this at 5 in the morning and it's 6:30 now sooo...Just be kind...Ok I'm done now. On with the story!_

_**Free Will**__**  
**__**A Jane and Adam Story**__**  
**__**By Tishery**_

This was a bad idea. I knew it was a bad idea and still I was here, standing out side her apartment door, hands in my hoodie's pocket.

To be honest, I kept trying to tell myself I was only there to help her with her art, to give my options, one artist to another and that was all. It was more than that though, no matter how many ways I tried to spin it there was so much more going on in my mind. I saw the looks she'd given me, I noticed the way she was always trying to touch me whenever she could. Oh sure, I'd pretend I didn't notice, I'd pretend it never happened and just go on doing whatever we were doing at the time, but I did notice and I couldn't deny I liked it.

I loved Joan, my Jane, I loved her so much but things had been so tense since the concert. It was so hard to be around her sometimes, and I never could shake the feeling she was hiding something from me. I didn't want to enjoy the attention Bonnie was giving me, but a part of me couldn't help it, it was nice to feel wanted and needed again. I knew Joan loved me, and with that comes want and need but I hadn't felt that from her in so long that every time I felt Bonnie's hand on my arm a little jolt shot through me.

Pulling my hood back I rubbed my head with my hand, slightly tugging at my hair while sighing. I wanted to get this over with, I wanted to get back to my shed and shake this guilt I was feeling. I'd lied to Joan about coming here, saying I had a huge project that needed my full attention. That should have been my first clue this was a bad idea. I never lied to her, that just wasn't me but without thinking the words fell from my lips and in true Joan fashion she believed me without question. Why shouldn't she though, I'd never given her a reason to question my actions before had I? But that wasn't true was it? I'd sort of lied about the interview hadn't I? I was starting to feel sick now; the more I was thinking about it the more I was seeing how stupid I'd been. I really shouldn't be here; I should go to Joan's and tell her what's going on. I should be talking to her, not hiding things and sneaking around.

Just as I was about to turn and leave, already thinking of just what I'd say to Joan when I saw her, Bonnie's door opened. I gave her a weak smile, which she returned and opened the door wider for me to come in. The strong smell of stale cigarettes' and beer invaded my nostrils, the air so thick and heavy I swear I could taste it. I could feel her standing behind me, watching as I took in my new surroundings. The place was small, an old, and beat up couch sat in the middle of the room with an equally beat up coffee table standing in front of it. There was a bookshelf off to the side that looked like it had everything on it but books, and in the kitchen, from what I could see anyways, it looked like a month's worth of dishes was piled high in the sink.

I suddenly felt like I had a better understand of Bonnie and her dark art. As if she could feel the waves of pity flowing from my body she stepped around me and made her way towards a door I hadn't noticed before. Not knowing what else to do, I followed her down the tiny hall and into what I assumed to be her bedroom. If I thought my shed was small and cramped, her room was a closet; the twin bed alone took up half the room the rest taken up by a small desk. She seemed to have made the best of her small space though; it looked like she'd painted the walls herself, and then hung more pictures of her paintings on top. There was a single shelf that held random knick knacks and a single picture frame. I could tell it was a younger Bonnie in the picture, the same long brown hair, full lips and wild eyes gave that away but she wasn't alone. A man was holding her close in the picture, cheek to cheek, and he had the same brown hair and bright green eyes. They both looked so happy.

"That's my dad." She was sitting on the bed now, legs crossed under her and hands in her lap. "He'd never been around much but that was the last time I saw him." She said it so calmly, not even looking at me when she did, instead at her nails as if she were bored talking about it. I guess not everyone feels so shitty after losing a parent.

"Bummer." Was all I could think to say, she didn't seem to mind though.

"Yeah, so, uh, I left the drawing in the front room, let me go grab it. You can sit down if you want." She was already standing next to me at the door, not a hard thing to accomplish so quickly in such a small room, and she nodded toward the bed as she said this.

I stared at the bed for a moment, and then over at the chair in front of the small desk, I knew where I should sit but I also knew where a part of me wanted to sit, the part that seemed to have been driving most of my decision making lately. This time looked to be no different from the others as I felt myself moving toward the bed and sitting with my back to the wall. She came in a second later, carrying a large sketch book and seemed pleased to see me sitting where I was. As she sat down next to me, much closer than was needed, she opened the book to the last page and placed it on my lap. The drawing was much like the one she'd done on the wall the first day we met, a colorful darkness that pulled you in two different directions.

"It's…It's great Bonnie. I like the feeling of desperation, like there, how that one, how it's standing alone off to the side but with its eyes longing to be connected to the rest of the painting. Oh and that one, how it's connected but like something is still missing, like even though you have everything you want it doesn't mean it's enough."

When I looked up from the picture I hadn't expected her to be staring back, but the slight shock that gave me was nothing compared to the one I felt when her lips crashed down on mine. I wasn't sure what to do, I could hear two voices in my head screaming and it was hard to make out just what they were saying. I had a feeling I knew what though, I knew one was screaming to stop, push her away and get out of there as quickly as my feet would carry me but I knew the other was screaming to keep going, to see just how far I could take things.

Some how during my internal struggle she'd lay back onto the bed and I'd followed, her hand sliding up my shirt, cold fingers tickling the skin there. This was wrong, God this was SO wrong but I couldn't stop. My lust had taken over at this point and I just could not stop no matter how much I told myself I wanted to. Breaking the kiss I began to trail kisses down her jaw line, slowly making my way to her neck, she must have enjoyed that because a low moan escaped her lips. The hand that had been stroking my stomach was now on my back, the nails digging into my skin and pulling me closer. I'd kissed my way to her collarbone, and she was moaning again, but this time she'd moaned out my name.

"Adam."

Joan's face appeared before me then, she looked broken, crushed, her eyes filled with a hurt pain that felt like a kick in the gut and a slap to the face. What the hell was I doing? How could I be doing this to my Jane, in this place? I didn't want to lose my virginity in this rank apartment with someone I'd only known a couple of weeks and couldn't even really say I liked that much. Just as quickly as it'd all started, it was over.

I pulled myself away from Bonnie and climbed off the bed, I needed to get out of there. I needed Jane, I had to see her. Bonnie looked confused as I picked up my hoodie she'd thrown to the floor.

"What's wrong? Adam, what's wrong??"

I couldn't look at her, how could she ask me what was wrong?

"You know about Joan, Bonnie, you know what's wrong with this." I was already walking out of the room, and I could hear her footsteps behind me.

"She doesn't have to know! I promise, I won't say anything. Adam, come on…Please stay."

"She doesn't have to know? Bonnie, she's my girlfriend! This is so wrong. None of this should have happened and I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea or something, but this shouldn't have happened. I'm outta here." I chanced a look at her before leaving, I could see unshed tears in her eyes and though a part of me cared it wasn't enough to say more than I already had. All that mattered was Joan, and the hope that'd she'd be able to forgive me.

I'd been sitting in my truck outside her house for a good half hour now just staring at the steering wheel. At some point the porch light had been turned on but no one had come out yet. I don't know what I was waiting for, or if I was waiting for anything at all, but I knew I needed to get this over with sooner rather than later.

Slowly I jumped out of the truck and made my way to the front door. Before I even got the chance to knock, it swung open to reveal Joan, a worried look on her beautiful face. I'd never been so happy to see her in my life; I quickly wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her into a gripping hug.

"Adam, hey, hey are you ok?" Her arms were around me now, head in the crook between my shoulder and neck, whispering in my ear. This was where I belonged, this is where I should have been tonight, and that thought made me hold her tighter, scared this would be the last time I ever held her so close.

"Adam, you're scaring me. What's wrong? What happened?" I could hear the worry in her voice, and it broke my heart. How could I have ever thought any of this was a good idea? How could I not have thought of her and what it would do to us?

"We need to talk." I choked out the words, tears already falling from my eyes.

"O…Ok."

I took her hand and lead her to the steps, the steps where we shared the kiss that changed us forever. The steps where we were no longer just friends but so much more, and now the steps where I was sure everything would end just as it had began.

"I love you so much Jane, you know that right?" She nodded her head at that, a scared look on her face. "I never meant for this to happen, or maybe I did, I'm not sure anymore. I knew it was stupid, but I still did it and maybe that means that I wanted it to happen right? I mean if I knew it was stupid, and I still did it that means something doesn't it?"

I was rambling now, I knew that, and I knew I was confusing her too but I just couldn't seem to get to the point. I felt like I needed to explain myself, yet didn't know how to or if I even had a right to, or if I was just stalling and drawing this out as long as I could. Maybe it was like a Band-Aid though; just pull it off quick and fast, getting it over with and dealing with whatever happened afterwards.

"I wasn't working tonight Jane. I lied."

"What?" She asked, looking both shocked and confused. "Why? Why would you lie about that Adam?" She had a hurt look, like the one I'd seen the night she'd found out about the interview being canceled, like the one I'd pictured in my mind when I was with Bonnie.

"I don't know why. That's the problem. Jane I don't know why I've been doing what I have. I've just been so confused lately, and then Bonnie showed up and I was feeling these things I hadn't felt in so long. She was listening to me, and she was there Jane, she was there to talk to and be around and I liked that. I liked feeling like I was wanted or something, an-"

"Wait, Bonnie? What are you talking about Adam?"

"I was with Bonnie tonight Jane and I am so, so, so very sorry." I couldn't stand the look she was giving me now. It felt like a knife had been wedged in my heart and some one was twisting it around and around trying to inflict as much pain as humanely possible.

"You…You were with Bonnie tonight?" I nodded, I couldn't speak, and I got the feeling she didn't want to me to yet, still letting the information sink in.

"With Bonnie, doing what Adam?"

This was the part I'd been dreading, this was the moment that would define the rest of our lives together. I knew she needed to know, that I'd come this far and would have to go the rest of the way but I didn't want to, I wanted to just hold her and tell her how much I loved her, tell her how sorry I was and that be enough. It wouldn't be though, and I knew what I needed to do.

"I went over there to check out one of her drawings; she'd ask me to see if I felt it'd be worth putting in a show she'd heard about. I don't know why I didn't tell you, but I didn't. Or maybe I do know, fuck! I just didn't want to deal with what I knew you'd say about me going over there, and the look you'd give me and maybe I just wanted to be alone with her for awhile. It wasn't right though, it never should have happened. None of it ever should have happened."

"What shouldn't have happened Adam, God, Adam just tell me! You're scaring the hell out of me right now, and confusing me, just…Just tell me what happened." She reached for my hand, and I held on like it was a life line.

"We kissed Jane." The words rushed from my mouth.

The confused, worried look faded into one of relived anger and I suddenly felt confused. Anger I could understand, but how could she be relived?

"Adam, I'm…I'm hurt that you kissed her, and that you lied to me and that you seem to think you needed her to feel wanted but at the same time I can't be mad at you that you kissed her. I made the same mistake, and though it's stupid and hurtful and I am upset that you did it in the first place I guess in a way I understand how it can happen." She was still holding my hand, and as she spoke the anger seemed to slowly change into a calm look of understanding.

"It was more than just kissing, Jane." I mumbled.

"What…?"

"It was more than just kissing. We were in her room, on her bed and, it was more than just kissing. I almost slept with her Jane, and God I am so sorry but I almost slept with her but then I saw you. I saw you're face and I just couldn't. I couldn't do that to you, to us."

The anger was back now, and she quickly pulled her hand from mine. I knew this was going to happen, but just because I knew didn't mean I was at all prepared. Standing up, she walked around in a circle for a moment, stomping her feet in anger before stopping and glaring at me.

"You almost slept with her?! How could you do that?! How could you do that to me Adam? First the lying, and now cheating? What were you thinking? How?!" She was crying, arms crossed over her chest and hugging herself. "I know I kissed Roger and I will forever be sorry for that but you almost slept with Bonnie. SLEPT WITH HER! That is so much worse than what I did, they're both bad but Adam! You have my heart, and you almost gave apart of yourself to her!"

"I know Jane."

"Than how the hell could you do that to me?! To us?! How Adam, I want to know!"

"I don't know!" I finally screamed back, "I don't know how I could Jane! That's what I'm trying to tell you! I'm sorry, I am so sorry that it happened and I love you so much but there has been so much going on between us and I was feeling so confused. I've been feeling like you don't want me around, like after the concert you're worried about being alone with me or something! Do you know how that makes me feel? And it's not like I can talk to you about it, because any time I try to bring it up to you, you change the subject or have to go do whatever random thing you're doing that week! I just wanted to feel like I meant something to someone again, and I know you love me, I know that and I know how much you trust me and need me just as much as I need you but damn it Jane, some times I just feel like you're hiding something from me and no matter how hard I try you don't trust me enough to tell me. I'm sorry about what happened, I messed up big time but I couldn't go through with it, I just couldn't and it was because of you! Because of how much I love you and how I can't live without you!"

I couldn't see anymore, the tears blurring my vision but I could feel her eyes on me, and I could hear her hiccups as she sobbed.

"I'm sorry Jane. Please. PLEASE believe me when I say how sorry I am."

"I do." I heard her murmur. My head snapped up to look at her so quickly I was sure it should have broke.

"You do?"

She came and sat down next to me, taking my hand again, just holding it in hers as she calmed herself down. I couldn't believe she was touching me, even after what I'd just told her, I let her take the time she needed to even out her breathing and just enjoyed the feeling of her soft hand in my rough one.

"Adam I love you, and I know that you're sorry about what you did. If you didn't you wouldn't be here telling me, and you wouldn't have stopped it. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and that I'm not mad…but what you said…what you just told me…I get it. I understand how I can be, and how I have been lately. We haven't talked about anything that has been happening, and there are things that I…that are hard for me to talk about. Adam, I get it. I just wish that you felt like you could come to me. I wish you could have before this, and that you hadn't lied. That's what hurts the most, that you lied to me even after what happened with the college thing, you lied to me again and look where it lead to…I feel like I can't trust you at all right now."

Her voice was soft as she spoke and slightly calming my nerves but her words were loud and clear. Trust. Honesty. Secrets. Communication. Things we've had so many issues with lately, I was sure most marriages ended before they even reached half the things we'd been dealing with. I didn't want to end up like those marriages though, tonight proved to me more than ever how much I needed Joan to keep a float in life, just how much I really needed her and just how much she needed me.

"Did this happen because I wouldn't sleep with you?" Her question shocked me, breaking the silence we'd fallen into and I was slightly scared by her sad, broken tone.

"God, no Jane! This wasn't about sex. If this was about sex I could have done it…I didn't though remember? It's just, Bonnie was there, I know that's wrong of me to say, or bad or something, but she was there and she liked my art and listened to what I had to say…"

"I like your art." She mumbled in that broken tone.

I grabbed her then and pulled her onto my lap, I thought she'd fight me, that she wouldn't be ready for that kind of contact yet but she didn't and instead rested her head on my shoulder where I could feel her hot tears wetting my shirt.

"Jane, I love you, and I know you like my art it wasn't just about that. I was being stupid and needy and not talking to you about it like I should have, but like I said before Jane it's so hard to talk to you sometimes. You're always busy, or running from me, or there always just seems to be 'that' something in the way. It's hard." I kissed her forehead then, I wanted her to know that even though I was feeling these things I still loved her, I still wanted her and needed her, but I also wanted and needed these things to change.

"I tried telling you once."

"What?" That shocked me. I hadn't expected her to be ready so soon to open up, and I hadn't expected her to tell me that.

"I tried to tell you once. You didn't believe me." Her face was buried in my shirt, and though I couldn't see, I could hear in her voice just how lost and confused she was. I'd heard that tone before, it'd been a year ago and I'd thought I had lost my Jane forever. When she'd told me she had been talking to God, I wasn't sure what to think. How do you react to something like that? Then she started talking about the picture and the connection, and ripples and it had all just been too much to handle. Once they sent her off to that camp though and I got to thinking more about it, it didn't seem as out there as it once had. I spent that time away from her researching it, ready to prove just how accepting I was of her little secret. She'd snubbed it though, wanted to be normal and though she pretended that it was all because of the Lyme disease a large part of me couldn't let it go.

"You weren't just sick, were you?" I finally asked after a long pause.

"No, I wanted so badly for it to be that at first, but it wasn't. He came back, and wouldn't leave me alone," she let out a little laugh then, "no matter how many times I told Him to leave, He just kept coming back. I think what got me to listen to Him was when He'd said to me 'Do you miss yourself, cause I do.' I started thinking about you, and how we'd been, and how I'd just been trying so hard to be someone I wasn't because I thought it'd make things easier but it didn't. They were still as hard, if not harder. Do you think I'm crazy?"

Her voice was quite when she asked, unsure of herself, so I turned her head so she was facing me and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. How could she ask that? Had I not tried to prove just how much I believed her already? The books, and the research and how many times I'd tried to bring it up. How could I think she was crazy, when I myself told her how sometimes with my art I 'talked to angels', like something more was coming out of my art than just creativeness, like I was connected to something more.

The kiss seemed to do the trick, because she began kissing back. I don't know how long we were embracing for, trying to heal everything that'd been broken for so long, but suddenly we heard a throat being cleared behind us and we jumped apart. Will Girardi stood behind there giving us a slight glare.

"I think it's time to come inside Joan." He said in what I'd come to associate as his 'cop' voice.

"I'll be in just a second dad, promise." Joan said after standing and nodding.

Will stared at us for moment before sighing and turning back inside, he left the door open though, and I swear I heard him mumble something about guns and teenage boys. I stood too, and faced Joan. She was avoiding my eyes though, instead looking past me at the spot where the street light lit up the side walk.

"We still have a lot to talk about you know." She finally said.

"So long as you're still willing to talk to me," I said, as I took her hand, "I'm willing to talk about anything." She looked at me then, a slight smile on her face.

We did still have a lot to talk about, and I wasn't entirely sure where we stood at the moment. We'd opened up though, and that was a start. I didn't know what tomorrow would bring, if things had changed for the better or the worse for us but as she leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on my lips before darting up the steps and into the house I got the feeling we'd be ok. We weren't perfect, who was? But we were trying, and learning, in the end that's all you can really do right? Wasn't that why God had given us free will in the first place? So we could learn things for ourselves…I'd have to remember to ask Joan that in the morning.


End file.
